mind
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Childhood Trauma: How We Learn to Lie, Hide, and Be Inauthentic
By being treated in these damaging ways, the child learns that being yourself is dangerous, that in order to survive and be at least marginally accepted by your caregivers, you have to hide who you really are: your thoughts, observations, feelings, and preferences.
Other times the child decides to lie to get their needs met, needs that otherwise would be completely ignored. For example, if the caregivers are emotionally distant, the child might lie or pretend that somethings going on just to receive some attention.
And, of course, if the child is routinely attacked or rejected for being authentic, they learn to hide and pretend. In many cases, to the degree where they gradually lose connection to their authentic self and have no idea anymore who they really are.
This is tragic. However, its important to realize that, as adults, we don’t have to be afraid of abandonment anymore. We don’t need our caregivers to survive. We can endure and deal with all these feelings of betrayal, hurt, distrust, shame, loneliness, anger, and many others.
As adults we can slowly untangle all of these problems and slowly rediscover who we really are. We also can start working on trusting others who actually are trustworthy. We can become authentic again.
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“You don’t become a billionaire without exploiting others.”
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What is an inferiority complex?
“People with an inferiority complex may experience chronic self-doubt, have low self-esteem, and feel the need to withdraw from social situations. Some people experience symptoms similar to those associated with a superiority complex, such as extreme competitiveness and an inability to admit to their mistakes.”
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What makes it hard to control my anger?
There are lots of things that can affect how you react to anger. This can mean you react poorly to anger or have trouble controlling it.
Your situation in life can affect how well you’re able to control anger. For example, it gets more difficult to control your anger if you’re stressed or you’re dealing with other challenges.
Your family history can also have a strong effect on how you manage anger and other negative emotions. Growing up, you may have learned unhelpful ways of dealing with anger from the adults in your life.
You may also be dealing with anger from the past that you weren’t able to deal with or express. This can make it harder to deal with new situations that make you feel angry.
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https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
Expressing anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
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“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”
— Booker T. Washington
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“Hate can breed more negative emotions. It can affect personal and professional relationships. Hatred changes the chemistry in the brain. It stimulates the area in the brain responsible for planning and execution of motion. This part triggers aggression while feeling hateful to either defend or attack. This also creates ‘fight or flight’ responses and increases the levels of two hormones: cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones can cause weight gain, insomnia, anxiety, depression, and chronic illness. Hatred also triggers the mind to try to predict what the person being hated may do as a defense mechanism. This leads to further anxiety, restlessness, obsessive thinking, and paranoia, which affects overall mental health.”
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“Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.
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The Psychology of Hypocrisy – Why We Do it & How to Stop
What is Hypocrisy?
Hypocrisy is defined as the practice of claiming to have moral standards or views to which one’s own behavior (or the behavior of people in our family or tribe) does not meet. It is a pretense of morality that cloaks our inability to meet some predetermined moral code.
“At the root of hypocrisy is a strong desire to be loved and accepted. The fear of humility and judgment is so powerful, that we use doublethink and cognitive dissonance to avoid facing ourselves.”
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The Science of Being Completely Full of It
“In 2005, researchers at the University of Southern California found the first evidence of brain abnormalities in pathological liars — the prefrontal cortex is always very active when people are telling lies, but their study found that liars had 25 percent more white matter, and 14 percent less gray matter, in their prefrontal cortex than non-liars, suggesting there can be a physiological predisposition to being a bullshit artist.”
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The Voice of Happiness
After Bankei had passed away, a blind man who lived near the master’s temple told a friend: “Since I am blind, I cannot watch a person’s face, so I must judge his character by the sound of his voice. Ordinarily when I hear someone congratulate another upon his happiness or success, I also hear a secret tone of envy. When condolence is expressed for the misfortune of another, I hear pleasure and satisfaction, as if the one condoling was really glad there was something left to gain in his own world.
“In all my experience, however, Bankei’s voice was always sincere. Whenever he expressed happiness, I heard nothing but happiness, and whenever he expressed sorrow, sorrow was all I heard.”
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Narcissism is a mental condition that can be caused by a number of factors, including:
Genetics
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are more likely to have close relatives with the condition.
Observation and imitation
Children can learn narcissistic traits and behaviors from observing and imitating others.
Negative childhood experiences
There may be a link between NPD and negative childhood experiences.
Parenting style
Overprotective or “helicopter” parenting, or overindulging children, can lead to children who expect and demand the same treatment from others.
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What is Self-Deception?
Self-deception is the act of fooling yourself into believing something that is not true or denying aspects of reality to avoid discomfort or cognitive dissonance. Signs of self-deception include:
- Rationalizing or justifying your actions or beliefs
- Ignoring evidence that contradicts your beliefs
- Minimizing or dismissing the effect of your behavior on yourself or others
- Avoiding self-reflection or introspection to maintain a preferred self-image